Theo’s Brexit Survival Guide

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Hello and welcome to my blog. You might have noticed it’s been a while since I’ve written to you, dear readers. That’s because I discovered something called Netflix. I’m beginning to understand just how difficult modern life is – how on earth are people supposed to get anything done?

I’ve dragged myself away from the joys of non-stop streaming because I’m getting worried about the impact of this Brexit fiasco on our wonderful country. And I’m not talking about the economy or any such nonsense. I’m talking about our sanity – it’s becoming a public health issue. The Brexit Pox is spreading like the plague. I haven’t seen a bigger public health menace since the Spanish flu outbreak of 1918.

Think you might be afflicted with the deadly Brexit Pox? Symptoms include:

  • an irritating rash whenever you hear the words back and stop uttered in the same sentence
  • drinking whiskey because beer just doesn’t cut it anymore
  • a vague, murderous feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see British politicians on your telly screen
  • walking ‘round the place with a face that’d turn milk sour

Don’t despair, readers. Since I’ve been around a long time, I have the benefit of age and experience on my side and I can assure you our country has gotten through much darker times in the past. We’ve come through adversity before and we can get through this. So, in the spirit of great Irish resistance, here’s my Brexit survival guide.

For God’s Sake Would You Calm Down

A simple one to start you off: take deep breaths and try to calm down a bit. We’re a bit long in the tooth to be getting all worked up about the goings-on of our neighbours. Especially me, now that I’m heading for my 300th birthday (all good-tidings welcome by the way, it’s never too early to mark such a momentous occasion. Please send your blank, uncrossed cheques to the office c/oTheophilus Moore).

Count Your Blessings

This Brexit nonsense is nothing compared to some of the stuff that went on back in the early days of Old Moore’s Almanac, I’ll tell you that for nothing. Sweet mother of divine mercy, some of the goings-on would make your hair fall out. Maybe you all need a history lesson since your brains are rotting away from constantly staring at screens, but I don’t want to put you under even more mental strain than you already are. I’ll simply say it was pretty rough going on this fair isle for a few hundred years. Compared to those dark days, this is a walk in the park.

Make It Worth Your While

Every time you hear the B word, put a euro in a jar. After about two hours you should have enough saved for a budget holiday in the sun, where the drinks have little umbrellas in them for some reason. And imagine how much you’ll have saved by the time Brexit is over for good (I hear on the grapevine that the current working date is the 12th of Never). You’ll be able to head off on a luxury cruise, far away from that shower of gobshites who couldn’t agree on finding their way out of a paper bag.

Don’t Bottle It Up

Key to getting through this difficult time is getting it all out of your system. But please don’t take it out on the family pet or some poor driver in front of you on the way home from work today. I recommend a dart board covered with the faces of the politicians most responsible for the current political impasse and your current medical condition. You might also like to punch a cushion emblazoned with the face of your least favourite British politician.

Agus Arís

Repeat this process continuously until somebody somewhere makes a decision that can end this god-awful mess.

Now as for the border in Northern Ireland, that’s a head-scratcher alright. My thoughts and prayers go out to our Northern brothers and sisters. What a mess!  The world is an uncertain place, readers, and nobody knows the future (except me, of course) so trust me when I tell you it’ll all work out….. eventually.

 

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