Why Nicky Byrne Will Not Win Eurovision

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Nicky Byrne will represent Ireland in the 2016 Eurovision Song Contest. While many people think he could be our saving grace, Nicole Buckler thinks playing safe is the wrong route to winning this life-or-death event.

The Eurovision is as camp as a row of tents, we all know that. Sometimes it can be gruellingly boring (except when I am live-tweeting it of course). We all know the votes are rigged as neighbouring countries vote for each other in an almost incestual way (unless they have had an argument about the import duties on cabbages and vodka).

We Irishers know it is very hard for us to win because we don’t really have any mates (except the Irish living in the UK). So to win, we have to do something entirely shocking, unusual, crazy, show-stopping, mad and weird (but in a glamorous way, not like actually weird). This is the only way Ireland will grab it. And we need it. We deserve it. We are crawing our way out from under generations of Catholic Church suffocation, where to be a homosexual or a pregnant single woman made you the most repulsive person in society.

We have finally escaped this cringe-worthy bigoted past to vote yes for equality in 2015. So we should have this Eurovision thing in the bag. We know how to do this. We should have this. But we are making stupid decisions when it comes to the Eurovision. We are playing safe.

Nicky Byrne HAD a great career on the stage FIFTEEN YEARS AGO. Yes he’s on The Voice, and yes he’s on the radio. But he isn’t a performer anymore, and when he was, he was in a boyband (puke). This is only one shade away from the UK resurrecting Engelbert Humperdinck from his grave to wander about the stage last year. And that was just so desperate and embarrassing I can’t even. By dusting Nicky Byrne off and sending him over there with only Graham Norton to hold his hand, we are making a stupid mistake.

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Conchita Wurst, the 2014 winner.

Just one look at Conchita Wurst will show us what we are doing wrong. Yes there have been drag queens who have been in Eurovision. They probably run the whole backstage department of it. Our own Queen of Ireland, Panti Bliss, is one of the most charismatic drag queens to ever grace the transsexual world. But here’s how Conchita Wurst showed up and wowed: she is a pretty, petite (well too petite, let’s get a steak into her) feminine drag queen with a big woolly beard. It was new; it was strange, it was weird. But we liked it. It worked. It was a whopper show stopper. Her song was crap, but eurovision isn’t about the music. We voted for Conchita, not her song.

Then there’s Lordi, a Finnish hard rock and heavy metal band, known for wearing monster masks. The band made history in 2006 by becoming the first, (and the only) hard rock act to win the Eurovision Song Contest. Let me say that for you again: They are the ONLY Finnish winner EVER. Finland NEVER wins the Eurovision, but they did this time. Why? Because most hard rock enthusiasts would rather have their eyes eaten out of their heads by seagulls than watch the Eurovision. Every European who couldn’t stand the event picked up their phones and voted, as an anti-vote. And it worked. It was crazy, different and weird within the Eurovision context.

It is in light of this that I supported Jedward’s effort with their song “Lipstick.” I didn’t think it would win, but it was the right idea. It featured annoying, weird, wildly camp barely pubescent boys in glittering red outfits dancing badly like they were doing 17 lines of cocaine from their thumbs. It was the only time in the past ten years that we have got Eurovision right. We understood what it was that year. But since then, we seem to have gotten a knock on the head by a strict librarian or something.

We need to send something new. Something shocking, something topical, something the gays will like, and what we at home would vote for. It has to be earth shattering. It needs to be something along the lines of balloon fetishists, dancing to an orchestra made up of naked tin whistle-ists. And everyone needs to be covered in tin foil or cling wrap. Everyone needs to be wearing suicide belts that explode with glitter and love when detonated as a protest for world peace (come on we need to stay current).

Yes Nicky is a good bloke and didn’t embarrass us in the recession by going into bankruptcy, having a string of failed marriages with strippers, or by ending up with a face full of cocaine at an underground bondage dungeon. But he isn’t going to win Eurovision for us.

It’s kind of like we have given up even trying. And why does it matter? Because Eurovision shows that the only war we need in Europe is one of sequins and strobe lights.

 

 

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