UPLOAD SOME ALGAE YOU TOXIC GIT

UPLOAD SOME ALGAE YOU TOXIC GIT

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algaetoxicgit

You’ll never have to chew again.

By Nicole Buckler

 

In the 2014 Almanac, Old Moore said that a new food trend would come from the sea. Well, the Chinese got a jump start on us on the algae front. After several persistent blooms in their oceans in 2014, they decided what the hell and started to serve it up in a range of soups and street stalls. Cooked with mushrooms and other stuff, I gotta say if the pictures of it are anything to go by, I reckon we would all take a lichen to it. It looked damn tasty. But here in Ireland, this is not on offer for us. Hell we don’t even have a proper Chinatown. So how do we join these food trends then if Chinese people with algal bloom problems are not here to cook for us?

Irish people should eat algae. If all humanoid forms ate algae this would be a great move for the earth we keep being told we are killing. Algae is highly nutritious, and while it used to be the food of deranged extreme hippies who live in trees and who wear leotards to the market, it is now becoming more mainstream and accepted.  But also, cultivating algae frees up farmland for other things (like burger cows mmm). Algae doesn’t need irrigation, and it grows quickly without any fussing or prodding. It is the ideal staple for 6 billion beings who won’t be able to feed themselves in a few short years.

Algae could be the answer to the human problem of self-extermination. Algae is so intensely trendy right now that a few experimental companies are even growing it to turn into bio fuel. This would be a move that would make the earth very happy and would mean that we could stop killing it. Money is pouring in to make this into a clean tech dream.

But what about your own engine? You know what you should do? You should consume some microscopic slimes. They are the base of all life after all. But how do you upload this vital food group without feeling like you are taking part in an extreme food challenge and perhaps vomiting a little bit into your nose?

Enter Pure Green. They are makers of raw, pressed juices that you can consume at your desk at 8:30 am cos you don’t live with your Ma anymore and no one is making breakfast for you. You lazy git. This company is doing fancy things with fruits and veges, which Irish people tend to shun in favour of something made from base ingredients such a chips and croissants. Not only are they pressing stuff, they are also adding in a portion of algae to these juices. This is to cleanse your polluted and toxin-riddled body of all those ciders you had a Copper-Face Jack’s on Saturday night.

Ireland’s first “Ocean Juice”called “Marine Green” is now available for you to dejunk your body. Marine Green is the new super-cleanse beverage to save your internal organs from self-destruct. The blend contains nine ingredients—spinach, broccoli, cucumber, ginger, avocado, apple, celery, lemon and marine phytoplankton. Otherwise known to you and me as sea slime. But I will say this for sea slime. Phyto-nutrients, like in algae, lower the risk of developing diabetes, heart disease and certain cancers. Marine plankton is one of the most nutrient-dense foods available to us. It is sourced from the ocean and contains essential fatty acids, amino acids, vitamins, minerals and phytonutrients. It is the original source of Omega 3 and Omega 6, before the fish eat it and we crush the life out of them and consume it.

All of the Pure Green juices are also gluten-free, dairy-free, vegetarian and vegan friendly. So if you are that crazy vegan wearing a leotard and living up a tree, you can drink one of these and not cry into your favourite branch.

Karl Mulvee and Ronan Murphy, from Dublin, who started this organ-happying-venture, justify their squashing of unpalatable food items, saying, “Our vegetables are pressed under huge amounts of pressure to extract the nectar directly from the pulp. This pressing, rather than the traditional blending action keeps the cell walls intact resulting in up to five times more nutrients in your juice.” Now, you can have a serious nutrient upload without the all the annoying chewing that would usually go on. In fact you may even enjoy saving your own life.

Pure Green have obviously realised that Irish people generally hate greens. So perhaps they thought if they squashed them down to something Irish people could knock back while holding their nose and apologising for their sins, people would be happier forcing themselves to live longer. And you can even get the juice delivered to your office or home, you lazy git. Now you have no excuse. Pull up your socks and gulp down your sea slime. Cos you Ma ain’t gonna do it for you.
You can follow PureGreen on Twitter @puregreenjuice
Comments? Editor@oldmooresalmanac.com

 

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