The Great Irish Joke

The Great Irish Joke

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Joke 1

All of the jokes featured on our facebook page since its inception have been complied into one page. Please feel free to snort laughing into your coffee.

Mistletoe

Mary was a pretty redhead shopping in Dundrum. In the week before Christmas she sauntered up to the counter, and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. Finally, she made her choice and asked the shop assistant called Mick, “How much is this gold tinsel?”

Mick seeing the pretty girl, said, “This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per metre.”

‘Wow, that’s grand’, said Mary. “I’ll take 12 metres.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, Mick measured out the tinsel, and gave it to Mary.

After Mick handed her the bag, Mary said, “My Grandpa will settle the bill.”

 

Christmas Turkey

It was Christmas Eve at Dunnes Stores and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, ‘Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

“No, madam,” he replied, “they’re all dead.”

 

Cars

Jesus drove a Honda, but didn’t like to talk about it.
“for I did not speak of my own accord.” – John 12:49

 

Phone

A bunch of blokes are in the changing room of Wicklow Golf Club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-functio­n and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
BLOKE: “Hello”
WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
BLOKE: “Yes”
WOMAN: “I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only €1, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
BLOKE: “Sure, .. go ahead if you like it that much.”
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 models. I saw one I really liked.”
BLOKE: “How much?”
WOMAN: “€70, 000”
BLOKE: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking €950, 000”
BLOKE: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of €900, 000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.”
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”
BLOKE: “Bye! I love you, too.” The bloke hangs up.

The other blokes in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape….. He smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

 

I’ve Fallen

An old priest got sick of all the people in his parish in Sligo who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”
Well, everyone in Sligo liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen.” This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The new priest said, “You have to do something about the footpaths in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.”

 

Galway Girl

A young Galway woman is so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic Ocean. She packs her bags and meets her family one last time before she takes off for where she plans to end it all.

She went down to the cliffs and was about to leap into the freezing water when a young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the cliff, crying. He took pity on her and said, ‘Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.’

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.’ The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose?

Perhaps a Fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
‘What are you doing here?’ the captain asked.

‘I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,’ she explained.
‘I get food and a trip to America, and he’s screwing me.’

‘He certainly is,’ the captain replied. This is the Aran Islands Ferry.’

 

Late Night Drink

Mick fancies a late-night drink, so he runs down to the Centra at midnight. As he gets to the door, he sees the shop assistant locking up for the night. Mick says, “Your sign says you’re open 24 hours.’

The shop assistant said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’”

 

Ploughing

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn’t know anyone who would dig up his potato garden. He was too old to plough the patch on his own. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, “For HEAVENS SAKE, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the GUNS!!!!!”

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn’t find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son’s reply was: “Just plant your potatoes.”

 

Apples

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

 

Milk
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Connemara was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, “Don’t sell that cow.”

 

Give Us This Day

A salesman from Supermacs walked up to the Pope and offers him a million euro if he would change “The Lord’s Prayer” from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily burger.” The Pope refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million euro to change it from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily burger” and again the Pope refused the man’s generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million euro and finally the Pope accepted.

The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million euro. The bad news is, we lost the O’Toole Bakery account!”

 

The Race

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn’t hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and hegets a little worried. “So, they’re trying to replace me”, thinks the old rooster. “I’ve got to do something about this.”

He walks up to the new bird and says, “So, you’re the new stud in town? I bet you really think you’re hot stuff, don’t you? Well I’m not ready for the chopping block yet, and I’ll bet I’m still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We’ll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.”

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. “You’re on, ” said the young rooster. “And since I know I’m so great, I’ll even give you a head start of half a lap. I’ll still win easy, ” said the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guys lead has slipped a little, but he’s still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old roosters lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he’s just barely ahead of the young rooster.

By now, the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard, figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, “Darn !!!! that’s the third gay rooster I’ve bought this month.”

 

A Hunting Fiasco

A young man from Dublin went to visit his farmer uncle in Blessington. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things chickens, cows, crops, etc.

After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. “Why don’t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?”

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

“How did you enjoy that?” asked the uncle.

“It was great!” exclaimed the nephew. “Got any more dogs?”

 

Duck Hunting

A Dublin lawyer went duck hunting in Sligo.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best lawyers in Ireland and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Sligo. We settle small disagreements like this with the Sligo Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Sligo Three-Kick Rule?”

The Farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The lawyer was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!

 

Deer Hunter

The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter in Wicklow National Park and asked to see his hunting license. “This is last year’s license,” the warden informed him.

“I know,” said the hunter, “but I shouldn’t need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year.”

 

Avid Golfer

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the oldman to join him.

To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”

 

Garden of Eden

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”
Adam said, “I don’t have anyone to talk to.”
God said, “I will give you a companion and it will be a woman.” He said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

“She will not nag,” God continued, “and will always be the first to admit she was wrong. When you’ve had a disagreement, she will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever needed.”

Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”

God said, “An arm and a leg!”

Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”

 

The Atheist, A Bear And God

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the “accidents” that evolution had created. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried, “Oh my God…!”

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,”You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical to ask to be religious after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear religious?”

“Very well” said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear brought both paws together and spoke: “Lord, for this food which I am about to receive…”

 

God’s Solution

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:

“Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, you’ve created me and provided this beautiful spot, these wonderful animals, and that comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the voice from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, perhaps I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?”

“Man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster, and stronger than you. And while he’ll need your advice to think properly, he’ll be good at fighting, kicking a ball around, hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.

“Sounds good to me,” says Eve. “But isn’t there a catch, Lord?”

“Yeah, well, there is one.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

 

A Minister, A Priest And A Rabbi.

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.” As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognise.”

 

Golf

Moses, Jesus and another guy were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into on-coming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”

 

Irish Declare War On France

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Sarkozy replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Sarkozy paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Sarkozy asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Sarkozy sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Sarkozy. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

 

My Two Brothers

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?”
The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we’re drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine. I just quit drinking.”

 

One Wish

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going idiot! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

 

Live Long

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee bit late one night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood, those O’Gradys!”

“That’s nothing,” says Sean. “Here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O’Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!”

Just then, Shamus yells out, “Forget him, here’s a fella that lived to
be 145 years old!”

“What was his name?” ask Paddy and Sean.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles…”

“Miles who?” ask Paddy and Sean.

“To Dublin!”

 

The Collision

One night on the small, dark Irish country roads an Englishman and an Irishman were driving recklessly and collided, demolishing both of their cars. Amazingly, the two men emerged from the wreck unscathed. Astonished by their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike of each other from that moment forward.

The Irishman at this point fetches a bottle of 12-year-old Jameson from his car and hands it to the Englishman who gratefully accepts it, removes the top and hefting the bottle in a toast, cries,

“May the English and the Irish live forever in peace and harmony!” Still shaky from the wreck, the Englishman takes several hearty swallows, draining a good half of the bottle before handing it back to Paddy.

“Eh, no thanks,” says the Irishman, “I think I’ll just wait for the Garda to get here.”

 

Texans

A Texan walks into a pub in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, ‘I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin’ fools. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back.’

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good?’ asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, ‘Yes’, and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, ‘If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?’

Paddy Murphy replies, ‘Oh. I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.’

 

Hypnotism

Woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”

“No more headaches?” The husband asks, “What happened?”

His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ‘I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.’ It worked. The headaches are all gone.”

His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?” The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, “Damn! That was wonderful!”

The husband says, “Don’t move! I will be right back.” He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She’s not my wife.
She’s not my wife.
She’s not my wife.

 

Plane Crash

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Enda Kenny, said, “I am the Prime Minister of Ireland and I am the smartest man in Ireland’s history, so Irish people don’t want me to die.” He took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, “I’m a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America .” So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”
The little girl said, “That’s okay, Mr. President. There’s a parachute left for you, Ireland’s smartest man took my schoolbag.”

 

The Local Pub

A lad walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: €1.50
Chicken Sandwich: €2.50
Sensual back massage for men: €10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive redheads serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she said with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”

“I was wondering”, whispers the lad, “are you the one who gives the sensual back massages?”

“Yes”, she purrs, “I am.”

The man replies “Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”

 

CEO

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO.

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facility,

the CEO notices a guy leaning against the wall. The room is full of workers and he sees this great opportunity to show everyone he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “and how much do you make a week?”

Surprised, the young guy gulps and replies, “I make about €300 a week.”

The CEO reaches in his pocket, pulls out €300, shoves it in the guy’s face and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay; now get out of here and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about the example he has just established, the CEO looks around the room and asks,

“Now, does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”

With a sheepish grin one of the other workers replied, “That was the Dominos Pizza delivery boy.”

 

Say Your Prayers

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Cormac received his plate, he started eating straight away.

“Cormac, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” his mam reminded him.

“I don’t have to.” – the little boy replied.

“Of course you do.” – his mam insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Cormac explained, “but this is Nan’s house and she KNOWS how to cook.”

 

Fairy

A married couple in their 60s are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

“I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” says the wife. “Then I want to live in a luxurious holiday home in Kerry.”
Two tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand, along with a set of new keys.

The husband says, “Sorry love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92.

 

Wife

Wife hit her husband with frying pan.

Husband: What was that for…?

Wife: I found a paper in your pocket with the name Jenny on it.

Husband: I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse.

Wife: Sorry..!

Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again

Husband: What now..?

Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.

 

PAIN

A married couple went to the National Maternity Hospital, Holles Street, to have their baby delivered. It is known all over Europe for its medical advances.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.”

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the milkman was dead on their driveway.

 

The Irish Abroad

Three Irish women go to Spain, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I am from Trinity College, Dublin and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on thebehalf of the innocent,” They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one is strapped in and gives her last words, “I am from UCD in Dublin, and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from NUI Galway, and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell you right now, you ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

 

Check-Up

An 80-year old Dublin man walks into the doctor’s office for his regular check-up.

The doctor says to him, “Ahh, Mick, how are you feeling?”

“Great,” says Mick. “I have an 18-year old wife, and she’s pregnant with my child.”

The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Mick, “Mick, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and one early morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a
lion. He aims at the lion with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The lion falls dead to the ground.”

“What?!” cries the old man. “Why? that’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the lion.”

“Exactly!” says the doctor.

 

Market Research

A man doing market research knocked on a door. He was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She says, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”

“We use it for marital relations.”

The researcher was a little taken back. He replied with candor, “Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for marital relations. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it in this context?”

The woman says, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out.”

 

Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just staring at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making bloke walks up next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This is the worst day of my life. First, I over sleep, and get to the office late. Furious, my Boss fires me. When I leave the building and go to my car, I found out it had been stolen. The police said, all they can do is file a report. On the way home, I forget my wallet and credit cards on the bus.

“I get home and when I get inside, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I just leave the house and start walking, only to find myself at this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

 

 

Got a joke? Email us editor@oldmooresalmanac.com

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