OLD MOORE’S JUNK MAIL

OLD MOORE’S JUNK MAIL

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Old Moore gets some fantastic email trying to take his hard-earned money. It has taken him 251 years to become this famous, and people just keep trying to fleece him. Here he shares some with us…

Dear Theresa,

This fabulous specimen is especially fabulous because you think a 300-year-old man can help you. You must have been impressed by my vast wisdom. I love the way this story reads like a Steven Segal movie. Just add exploding helicopters and Hollywood is yours, baby. Plenty of fools I’m sure would like to be reunited with your money.

As for your adopted father, you have spelled his name wrong. I think if it is your own father you’d get his name right.  Blaise Compaoré as it happens, does has two legitimate children, but alas, Theresa, there is no mention of anyone being adopted by this power-hungry ex-politician. His two legitimate children, Mimi Compaoré and François Compaoré look like the kind of siblings where you’d might want to keep one eye open while sleeping in your palace using funds gleaned from the common man. And after all your adopted father killed his main opponent… no wait that was an accident…as he says… so why is it that Blaise’s biological children have missed out on all of his funds? I think you were more than his adopted daughter, Theresa. You were super special.

I think perhaps you might feel better morally if you donated all of these funds to a rape crisis centre, considering that your father, Compaoré, was also a notorious sex pest. Female foreign correspondents carefully avoided late-night “Burkinabé discussions” with the president. So why would anyone of sound mind want to take this tainted money? All it will bring is misery, I’m sure. But please, send it to me and I’ll be sure it makes its way to being used for a good cause. You are very kind.

Now that your father is in exile and headed for Morocco, be sure not to send his evil funds back to him. I’m sure there are many more people in other countries he’d like to oppress and murder. But without funds he will just have to kill ants and mosquitos instead. Make sure they are the ones that bite.

Kindly,

Old Moore.

Old Moore, being 300 years old, can’t be guaranteed to be a good romantic prospect either. But that doesn’t stop some lovely ladies from emailing him. Like Masha, from Russia.

Dear Masha,

Thank you so much for your letter. I am over 300 years old, as you know from my profile. So I think at 26 years of age you might be a little young for me. But I do love clubbing. And there are some really great spots in Ireland to go clubbing. Like in Copper Face Jack’s after 11pm, when I will start to look like a really good prospect to you. I am currently not looking for a romantic option in my life, so to save you the trouble of sending future emails, please find someone else who will pay for your hospital bill for your mother/grandmother/uncle/brother/dog/cat/fish. Also I cannot pay your heating/car/tax bill, perhaps you might want to contact Theresa Compaoré (theresacompore@outlook.com) as she has inherited 9.2 million dollars.

Sincerely, Old Moore.

Got sent any scam letters? Email us editor@oldmooresalmanac.com

Opinions? Email editor@oldmooresalmanac.com

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