New Wearable Tech Records Your Sexual Performance  (And Yes! You Can Share Your “Skills” on Social Media!)

New Wearable Tech Records Your Sexual Performance (And Yes! You Can Share Your “Skills” on Social Media!)

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Ireland has come a long way in 40 years of contraception.

By Nicole Buckler

Contraception was illegal in Ireland from 1935 until as appallingly late as 1980. In 1980, it was legalised with strong restrictions. These restrictions were later loosened, but Ireland seemed very, very far behind the rest of the rapidly modernising world when it came to contraception. It took us way to long to ditch the mantra that “every sperm is sacred.”

But now, as we unshackle ourselves from religious institutions who, frankly, have a damn lot of explaining to do, we are seeing a new movement in contraception. We are saying Dia dhuit to an entirely new chapter in the life of the condom. And this time (hopefully) we won’t have weird religious groups obsessing over our sex lives and trying to convince us that it is an evil force sent from the bowels of Hell. Or any other imaginary place we are supposed to go if we don’t have 25 children for church and state.

Yes, world, the Irish are ready for the world’s first smart condom ring – the i.Con. It’s wearable tech for your member, and the data crunching it promises means that you’ll be able to improve your lovemaking ability like never before seen in history.

Have you ever wondered how many thrusts you’ve performed? The speed of your thrusts? The duration of your sessions? Frequency? How many different positions you use in the period of a week, month or year? Ever wondered how you stack up to other people from around the world? Now, you can know.

The new smart condom ring has been built with nano-chip technology, so it can tell the user everything about their performance in the sack. It can even tell you how many calories have been burnt during intercourse. Like, to help you know how many beers you can have afterwards.

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This technology, dear men, is for your own good. After some data crunching, you can be on your way to improving your performance, putting you up there with the great lovers of the world, like Casanova, Romeo, Lancelot, and anyone on the leaderboard at PornHub.

The i.Con is truly the next level in wearable tech. Three years in the making, the i.Con developers have worked with over 40 tech engineers to develop the smart condom ring. It is now in its final stages of testing and will be ready for release any minute.

The smart condom ring will sit at the base of a condom. It has an adjustable band to ensure the correct fit for all sizes. This will also help to ensure that the condom remains secure during intercourse, or whatever you crazy kids are calling sex these days (I hear “meeting” is what ye are calling it. My last “meeting” was in a suit and it featured coffee and croissants and a Powerpoint Presentation. The other “meeting” sounds so much better).

Utilising Nano-chip technology, blue-tooth technology and micro-sensors, the i.Con will be lightweight, durable, and waterproof. It will have a powerful micro-battery allowing up to 8 hours of ‘live’ usage with a micro-usb charging port to regenerate.

The i.Con ring will record numerous pieces of data during intercourse and will then relay the information to the i.Con smart-phone app after each session. The smart-phone app will allow users to share their data anonymously worldwide with other users so that they can compare data, or, if the user is brave enough, share the data publicly. And we all know that guy on facebook who will totally share that. You know who you are. And we might possibly want your number.

Adam Leverson, Lead Engineer on the i.Con project said, “It’s been an incredible experience and an honour working on the i.Con project and we as a team truly believe it’ll bring a fresh new exciting concept to the bedroom.”

And everyone, let’s just remember, if it’s not on social media, it hasn’t really happened. Get those stats up online fellas. We ain’t swiping right until we see your stats.

To remind you how far we have come, check out the “condoms” we used to use… they were REUSABLE. Awful!

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