Ireland’s New Currency

Ireland’s New Currency

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After the Brexit and the election of Trump, anything could happen. If Ireland does pull an Irexit, we are going to have to create our own currency. What would this new Irish currency look like? Nicole Buckler puts some suggestions on the table.

A little while ago, some weird news broke. And here it is: At the height of the economic crisis, we nearly had to go back to using the Irish punt. Old Moore has spoken of his bad feeling about the global economy in 2017…while we are all subject to free will and the future is not necessarily set, there are some things we can’t change. Like our compulsion to get ourselves into the most absurd debt to buy stuff we don’t need. And the stupid compulsion of people to lend it to us…

Let’s not wait until we are forced to abandon the euro. Oh no, let’s jump ship now while the going’s bad.

Here are a few suggestions if we have to make our own currency.

We need to be shot of the pound sign. This was on the Punt and it was confusing. It’s too much like the Sterling and we need our own independent symbol. I suggest going with an i for Ireland. Like this. ⓘ

We need this as our currency symbol.

“How much is that harp?”

“It’s  ⓘ1,000.”

“Oh bargain I’ll take three!”

And let’s get rid of the name PUNT. It sounds like something you use to push a posh boat in Oxford. Or it sounds like something you do when you think you know which horse will win (it never does). No…we should go with Eiro. It’s “Eire” but with an adaptation that sounds like a fully decent and legitimate currency. And not like something you would hide under the mattress after you sold a bag of weed. Even though the new currency starts with an “e”…it will still use an i symbol because Irish people are complicated and like a metaphor.

Also we must get rid of these faded and gross people from the old notes. Let’s not bore our international tourists with pictures of people in horrible old frilly garments who helped poor and underprivileged people for God’s sake. No, we want real heroes, like Jedward. Jedward need to be on the five-pound note, just to remind us not to place a higher value upon ourselves than we are really worth.

And let’s stay away from saints on our banknotes…they always turn out to be sinners, and we are just setting ourselves up for a humiliating fall. Let’s not remind ourselves what good things we could be doing with our lives. We want to go about drinking and eating and generally bingeing on box sets of the Game of Thrones without consequence. Let’s put people on the Eiro that could have possibly have spent time in Mountjoy, to show us that we are all just one court appearance away from going down at any time.

We also need to shun people like Bono who preach charity but move their money to the Netherlands to avoid paying tax to Irish coffers. Ireland was, after all, the country that treated them badly enough to write angry songs about the experience and get rich. Bono? No.

And let’s just stay the hell away from religion. No one wants a picture of an archbishop peering at you as you pay for that special someone to have that one drink too many, hoping they will come home with you with abandon.

So here’s the plan if we are required to reintroduce the Eiro.

ⓘ5 Note – Jedward for damn good reasons already explained.

ⓘ10 Note – Ernest Walton – He was a pioneer nuclear physicist, and was the only Irish science Nobel Laureate. He and John Cockroft split the atom in 1931. Nice work lads, you get ⓘ10

ⓘ20 Note – Cynthia Evelyn Longfield – a dragonfly expert and explorer, publishing a guide to dragonflies in the area in 1945. And because dragonflies are hell cool and belong on our ⓘ20 note.

ⓘ50 Note – William Rowan Hamilton – a professor of astronomy at TCD and royal astronomer of Ireland. Hamilton was a prodigy and knew 13 languages by the age of 9. He introduced the terms ‘scalar’ and ‘vector’ into mathematics, and without going into the boffiny details, he invented large tracts of  modern algebra. And because maths is as cool as dragonflies. We need maths on our ⓘ50 note because some symbols are awesome, like Pi, which also could be a metaphor for “pie.” And no one loses when there is pie.

ⓘ100 note – Jocelyn Bell Burnell – she discovered a new type of star called pulsars, which were the signature of the slow death of a giant star, larger than our Sun. The reason why she MUST appear on the ⓘ100 note is because we must have a picture of a dying star on one of our notes. And I’m not talking about Madonna’s fall. I’m talking dying stars that our nation discovered, damnit.

ⓘ200 Note – And our final position goes to… Old Moore. Come on the dude has been around for 251 years at least and he’s still good looking.

 

Comments? Editor@oldmooresalmanac.com

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