CHANGE FOR ME, IRELAND!
Ireland, remember how we had that little chat about you changing for me? Remember, like when I told you that the universe revolved around me?
Nicole Buckler tells us all the ways she would like Ireland to change for her.
Ireland is missing out on some character-building additions to society that need to be instituted with immediate effect.
Lack of Yard Sales
If Irish people only knew of the joys of garage sales, also called yard sales, that other countries enjoy, you would be so jealous. When people move house, or just enjoy a good anti-hoarding clean up, they can put all their crap they don’t want out onto the front lawn and advertise it as a garage sale. People come literally at 5am to get the good stuff first. And you can make big bucks in a day. I once made $700 selling crap I didn’t even know I had.
But it’s not only good for selling crap, you can buy crap too. As a young working person in Sydney, I furnished my entire apartment this way. I got everything from a TV cabinet to ice cube trays to old bottles of unopened whiskey that some dead guy left behind. The ice-cube tray then came in handy once I discovered the whiskey.
Irish people are the most charitable people in Europe, so I’m guessing that they dump all their crap at the charity shop. But I demand that Irish people start having garage sales and donating some of their proceeds to charity. Because you will never know the joy of going to a garage sale at 7am on a Saturday and finding the perfect set of oversized cushions and a fish tank terrarium all for 5 bucks. We MUST introduce garage sales AT ONCE to Ireland. Besides, I have whole heap of stuff I have to get rid of. If I build it will you come?
Lack of China Town
Seriously Irish people, there is not one attempt at making a China Town anywhere in the Republic. I’m not talking Chinese takeaways mixed in with a few Korean joints selling “lemon chicken” and other bizarre made-up dishes you would never see in China, ever. I’m talking about crazy Chinatowns with dead ducks hanging off hot rods with fatty juice dripping down their permatan bodies all over the place, I’m talking places with no knives and forks, I’m talking raw bamboo diced up and eaten with that weird Chinese mayonnaise. We need to get on this. Not every drunk in Ireland wants to end up with their face in a kebab. No, some of us want fried turnip paste cakes at 3am. And where else to have a Chinese New Year parade with a dancing dragon that a proper Chinatown? Poor dragon has to stay in his box here in Ireland. I want a big fecked-up China gate, carved out of bonsais by freed sweatshop children with dragons and ducks on it. I want red lanterns, and signs I don’t understand and can’t read, and awful karaoke bars. I want Chinese grocery stores that sell stuff in freezers made from an animal no one is sure exists. Chinese people, get over here and get on it. I refuse to wait any longer.
Serious Lack of Public Toilets
WHY ARE THERE NO TOILETS ANYWHERE. This country has a very serious lack of toilets, anywhere. This is bad for everyone. Just build some public toilets. I don’t care if I have to pay to use them, just build them. There is nothing worse than having to pretend you are going to buy a beer just to use a toilet in a pub. Then you have to sneak out when the barman isn’t looking so you don’t get that look of “are you going to buy something? We pay for each flush now, earn your keep, woman.”
Once I asked a coffee shop if my child could use their loo and the stupid owner made me buy a stupid coffee that I didn’t even want. I gave it to the homeless guy out front, just to show the mean owner of the café how mean she was. But she wasn’t looking at me, she was looking at the money in her cash register. Of course she was. People are so mean about their toilets here, we need more public ones. Everywhere else in the world has great public toilets…but oh no, the Irish are expected to go in their pants.
Change the Number Plate System
Only in Ireland do we have a number plate system that tells everyone what year our car was purchased in. This creates a terrible social status anxiety in all of us whereby we can’t be seen to have a car made before 2005. If we do, we are just too feckin poor to show our faces. When you see that dude in a Merc that was bought in 2007, you know what you are thinking… “He bought that in ’07 when banks were throwing the cash at us…he couldn’t afford it now.” And then you see another dude with a brand new 2015 Merc and you think, “He’s doing well, obviously he’s a debt collector.”
We need to have a number plate system that is like all other ones…with random numbers and letters that sometimes spell “boobs” or something. Enough of this status number plate stuff. We have enough to worry about without feeling pressure to change our cars every 5 years lest people think we can’t afford to turn the heating on this year.
Lack of Hoons
Ireland has a serious lack of hoons. Hooning is hard to explain to anyone who doesn’t come from a country that hoons. Hooning is an art form in some places. It is when you get a souped-up car and you do stupid things in it like burnouts on the road and “doughnuts” on the highway so as to leave your “tag” or marking on the road. Usually this looks like any stupid variation of the figure eight that a hoon can dream up of in their tiny pot-addled brain.
While I don’t want to introduce hooning into Ireland, I do think there is room for “cutting laps.” This is a cultural activity favoured by people from country towns. Because obviously there isn’t much to do in country towns, many young kids of newly-driving age drive around town centres, all in the same direction (anti-clockwise) playing loud music and revving their cars at traffic lights. They all acknowledge each other is there, sometimes they will pull over to speak of engines. It is a type of posing, a motoring catwalk, if you will. You are displaying yourself and your vehicle to the opposite sex (though not very successfully it never ends in mating).
The reason this needs to be introduced into the cultural habits of the Irish is because the alternative here is “street racing” which is illegal, but it’s also really dangerous. Hooning is all revving and no follow through.
But here is what I miss most: driving along with the music at top volume with the wind in my hair and everyone hating my taste in music (or liking it, there are other weirdos out there after all). Every time I go for a little drive with something a shade punky on the tunebox in my car, Irish people look at me like I have committed the grossest sin against common decency. I succumb to the pressure, turn my music down, and sink low in my seat pretending to be glad to be smited by the good citizens of Ireland. I even once had a neighbour say to me, “We don’t do loud music in cars in Ireland.”
I feel that Irish society needs to embrace the appalling hoony-style loud music. I want to fight for its acceptance. Hoon music forever!
Please feel free to add more suggestions on how to change Irish society at large. Editor@oldmooresalmanac.com
You might also like
The average age of the first-time buyer in Ireland has risen by five years to 34 over the past decade. It is time for our government to act. By Nicole
Our favourite psychic gives us a glimpse into the mood of 2015. Spring is making its way here and I am glad to welcome it, as always. As you know
Nicky Byrne will represent Ireland in the 2016 Eurovision Song Contest. While many people think he could be our saving grace, Nicole Buckler thinks playing safe is the wrong route