Have Your Gross Over-the-Top Wedding Here

Have Your Gross Over-the-Top Wedding Here

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The Armada Hotel in Spanish Point, County Clare is officially the trendiest place to lock down that person who is a bit hotter than you. Now that this has been announced, the waiting list will probably be three decades long.

By Nicole Buckler

I hate weddings. I find them so embarrassing it stops my circulation sporadically throughout the day. From saying the vows in front of everyone, to all that bawling and love and grossness. STOP FECKING CRYING. Ugh! At the end of the night is when the MOST special events happen, like someone’s Uncle Frank ends up half naked and drunk and trying to slobber-kiss the waitress. God! Awful!

The priest has to dance with all the little old ladies who’d rather be drinking sherry behind the pot plant. And the DJ…oh my GOD what the hell is he playing that song for. GROSS. THIS IS NOT A BLUE LIGHT DISCO.

But if you like weddings and want to have one yourself, here’s an idea for you. The Armada Hotel in Spanish Point, County Clare, has been revealed as Irish Wedding Venue of the Year at the Weddingsonline Awards.

And this isn’t a title bestowed by some magazine to their most fanatical advertising client. In fact 28,000 brides and grooms nationwide voted and the Armada came up as the best. The hotel also won wedding co-ordinator of the year. Marita Morrissey, Wedding Coordinator with Armada Hotel had better get a bigger bank account to hold more money pretty soon. Imagine the raise she’s gonna ask for. I wouldn’t want to be her paymaster at the next appraisal, cos she deserves at least a tripling of her remuneration.

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The Armada Hotel is a modern building built on the site of what was once the biggest hotel in Ireland and Britain during the 1800s. It hosted 94 weddings during 2014, and 100 weddings during 2015. The amount of cake that goes through that gaff could fuel the country for years to come. And who doesn’t want cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner for 3 months after the wedding? It’s my dream sustenance.

I’m sure a lot of hotels do great and grossly romantic weddings. But why this hotel? Well let’s talk about the Wild Atlantic Way. The Wild Atlantic Way is a tourism trail on the west coast of Ireland. It is made up of 2,500kms of coastline, from County Donegal’s Inishowen Peninsula to Kinsale, County Cork, on the Celtic Sea coast. It weaves through Irish-speaking areas that impress the pants off Americans and Australians who suggest that local people are their long lost kin. No they are not, get back in your Hertz rent-a-car and be quiet.

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Board Faulty are banging The Wild Atlantic Way’s drum lately as Ireland’s biggest drawcard. They have refurbished walkways, tourist points and probably have fed the puffins vitamin balls to keep their feathers shiny, all in aid of attracting tourists here.

It has spectacular scenery, wild cliffs, little villages and towns that snuggle into the coastline, delightful cafes and restaurants, ruins of a sixth century monastic settlements, ancient scenic forests, lighthouses. And you can prance across the sands on a Connemara Pony…anyway you know all that stuff. And it is good. The wedding photos will turn out nice. Well except if what happened to me at the last wedding I attended happens to you. (The flower girl was posing for the official photos in the rose garden of a Wicklow hotel she fell into a pile of dog poo that was so mighty only a werewolf could have left it there. Can you see why I hate weddings.)

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The hotel has big windows that look out over the cliffs and the Atlantic Ocean, so you can really feel like you got your money’s worth. For those weird relatives that fly in from Canada and Australia, they can see awesome sights nearby the next day if they aren’t too hungover from all the free wine. Cliffs of Moher are just up the road, as is the Burren and Loop Head. Yes send those weird relatives out to the cliffs. They will be getting a free hair blow-dry for an entire day. They’ll look great; their hair will be upright for a week.

Anyway weddings are gross. I hate them. But if you like them, and you want to do that puffy dress thing, then maybe you could hold a wedding here. Just don’t gross me out by inviting me.

 

 

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