Date That Hottie You Just Passed In Grafton Street

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By Nicole Buckler

If you are going to roll out a dating app in a very, very swamped market, it has to be good. So good, in fact, that 10 million people have downloaded it and that you expect 30 million new users by the end of the year. This just happened for dating app Happn.

So what is Happn’s unique selling point? The missed connection. You know the one. You see a hottie in the park walking their dog, in those tight jeans… or the gorgeous human on the train, reading a book that you just loved to death. Or that person in the bar, squirming through a Tinder date that was going downhill and fast. You wanted to save them from it. You were prepared to fight their idiot date to do it. Well now, if you are both on Happn, you can meet that hottie. As long as said hottie wants to meet you.

Interested? Of course you are.

Just one look at the Craigslist missed connection page just shows how many people were taken by a passing hottie and feel wild regret at not doing the approach-and-chat-up method. There’s a lot of love that never was for a “gorgeous lady walking her dog with friend in Clane near SuperValu.” And then there was a hot doctor staring at another guy in Mater Private Hospital restaurant. For God’s sake man, log on to Craigslist, he was with a friend and couldn’t follow up on your perving.

Now you can leave the uncertain and wildly chance-filled world of “missed connection” pages behind. Because now, Happn can connect you with that hottie by using the wonderful romantic tool of GPS.

Here is the promo video to sell the idea:

Don’t fight it. Happn is gonna happen. After securing $8 million of funding, it is readying itself for Tinder-like dating app greatness. Your stalking dreams can take off and soar like an eagle to new romantic heights over Creepyperve Mountains.

Some have vilified the French app for making stalking part of the romantic dream. But then let’s just remember that you have to be a member of Happn to make it happen. No one can find you unless you agree to be the temporary object of someone’s desire. And you can always reject their proposal to meet you naked in bondage gear in a bank or whatever young hot folk are doing these days.

The idea of it is romantic. You really could see someone that could be your one true love and have no way to contact them without such apps. And then you die a little when you can’t approach them in real life. Because now it’s weird and creepy. Especially in the queue at Starbucks when all you are really basing your feelings on is their spectacular behind.

We all have that magical person we saw on the Tube in London in 2011 that we knew from that point on that was our one true love. James Blunt wrote a truly grating song about this very feeling… something lost that we never had… and it was an awful song but it sold so well because we all know the sentiment… that otherworldy connection, which was probably all in our own creepy minds… but still… it is the sentiment that sells movies and books and sexual fantasies the world over.

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I’m sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won’t lose no sleep on that,
‘Cause I’ve got a plan.

Yes, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
F*cking high.
And I don’t think that I’ll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last ’til the end.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful, it’s true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don’t know what to do,
‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

I actually feel bad for James Blunt. I want to sign him up to Happn.

So how does it work? Happn uses GPS to connect users who cross paths within a 250 metre radius. So if you pass a hottie and swoon so badly you need to hold on to the handicap railing in whatever on-street location you are in, then you can search for them on Happn. If they are on the app, then you can tap the app’s “heart” symbol to show your interest. If they heart you back then it’s game on.

Happn operates in a timeline system, so the most recent hottie appears highest on your feed. It uses hyper-location and works in real time. It’s like a dating Holodeck, only the Holodeck is the real world.

Once you sign up (you can get lost in this thing for days, so clear your diary) your feed will fill up with the singletons around you. You will even find people who work with you who are on it (avoid Alex from sales, gross). And they will know you are on it too, so be sure to clean your teeth and brush your hair and not wear any fragrance named “Sex Panther.”

You’ll suddenly know everything about the people who swan past you, if they are on Happn. Their profile will tell you their age, their job, and even at what time you walked across each other’s daily trajectory (as long as they are telling the truth). I mean that hottie isn’t really a brain surgeon aged 23. They are a hospital cleaner and they are 35. But who cares… still hot.

Happn is already in Paris, London, New York, Sydney, and parts of South America. But most importantly, it’s in Ireland.

So don’t miss that missed connection. Be rejected in person like usual. Or not. You could get lucky and have beautiful babies for Ireland.

Happn is available to download for free via the App Store, Play Store and Windows Store. Visit www.happn.com for more information. Follow Happn on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and YouTube. Hastag  #MakeItHappn

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