Beat the Cold Away with Batteries

Beat the Cold Away with Batteries

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coldwithbatteries

A spell of cold has hit Ireland. It is somewhat reminiscent of sitting in a chest freezer alongside the bags of Donegal Catch and petit pois while skyping for help. Nicole Buckler suggests ways to lock down the heat.

Electric Throw

For that person who is always freezing and certainly always complaining about it (me) then using this is like getting a soft and loving hug from a solar flare. It is the Sunbeam Heated Throw. YES IT IS ELECTRONICALLY HEATED. YES YOU CAN WATCH THE TELLY UNDER IT… like you are basking on a Mediterranean beach. You can forget about stoking that dirty and annoying fire. You can even turn off the central heating. This blankey means all your warmth dreams have come true.

You can even wash this piping hot throw… because you know that time you came home drunk and hugged it like a long lost soul mate and spilled that kebab all over it….

All I’m saying is that if everyone I know does not give me one of these I will defriend them in real life, not just on social media. I actually think it is perfectly reasonable to buy 30 of these and pad out the house with them. I would have floor heating, wall heating and even bathroom heating. And no one can stop me.

The reviews of this product are all aces. They do say however that the blanket is quite small, so if it is to share you will have to buy a second one and sew them together (try not to electrocute yourself). Alternatively you could dump your partner…because …well sometimes you don’t have to share your warm spot.

They retail for about €130.

 

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Battery-Heated Gloves

Ahh electricity, how we love you. And I love that we live in an age where we can buy battery-heated gloves. These are a gift from the Solar Gods to all those people standing at the bus stop while sleet slashes their face and makes their nose look like a frozen popsicle. For bicycle and motorbike riders, it is like a deity has cupped your hands and blown warm heaven-wind onto them. I am actually guilty of buying these like the cold-adverse wussbag that I am and I have to say I highly recommend them.  When I am standing out in the cold, breathing steam like I am a red chimera dragon, I feel like I have a secret…yes I am cheating. While I see everyone else rubbing their hands together and breathing into them like frostbite might actually chew their extremities off and carry them away into a black death, I stand strong with warm digits. I have conquered the northern hemisphere winter. Until the batteries run out and I am far from my charger. Then I am just a frozen pleb in a sea of icy hands.

The gloves have a little pocket in which you can keep your Leapcard or your credit card (assuming you are allowed to have credit). But the most awesome things about these gloves is that you can still use any touchscreen. So when that Netflix movie buffers for 12 minutes for NO REASON AT ALL you can switch to watching cats on YouTube without taking off your gloves. Ahhh 2017 you are the best. These gloves will set you back around €12.

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Battery-Heated Socks

Okay so if you buy these you really are a total wussbag, but seriously they are on my bucket list. I might even get a pair for my hands as well. These battery-heated socks can be jacked up to 40 degrees Celsius, staving off frostbite that threatens to come in under the door of your illegal extension built in the housing boom. The socks only heat the toe area, but I am assuming that the toes are perfectly capable of accepting this responsibility of keeping the rest of the foot warm.  And if you are one of those insane people who likes to go on those weird walks in the snow, these are just what the doctor ordered. They will set you back around €26.

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Battery-Heated Coat

Oh my God. I totally love this. Somebody buy it for me NOW. This is all of my outdoor cold country dreams come true. No need to don the vodka or beer jacket while out at night. Forget downing several warming ports to keep you warm. Nope, because now there is a battery-heated coat. These are a special treat for those nights you have locked yourself out of home because you left your keys in Copper Face Jacks, and your flatmates haven’t arrived home to pass out in the garden yet. It is also good for when you have a fight with your spouse and they lock you out, telling you to sleep in the shed for all they care. This is your secret weapon in taking the high road. You can sleep in a cobwebby and dusty shed knowing that you won’t suffer hypothermia in any way and end up in intensive care without your digits. It is also great for when you fall asleep on the Nightlink bus with your face in a burger and end up in a posh country town in the outer suburbs with a 20 kilometre walk back home at 3am. This coat will protect you from the consequences of your mistakes like a warm hug from seven puppies all at the same time. Women who are trying to seduce people can be naked under this coat. Their arrival at the doorstep to do their flash routine will be an utterly painless experience.

This coat has nearly 8 hours of run time. So if you need to have a sleep in that bush at the side of the road at 4am, then you will be just fine. And check this out; this makes me lose my mind in excitement. The unit includes ports for a USB cable for phone charging. YOU CAN CHARGE YOUR PHONE WITH YOUR HEATED COAT. What. You can sleep in a bush by the side of the road and watch Netflix as you drop off to sleep.  The world is an amazing place and now so are the bushes. The coat will set you back about €150.

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Battery-Heated Long Johns

Wearing these is like lying in a gentle toaster without having to pop out at the end of the process. German company WarmX know utterly what the hell they are doing by manufacturing these gifts from the God of Warmth.

These are special leggings/longjohn warmers with separate warming zones in the knee/thigh area. The best thing about these is that there aren’t any wires that might make you look like an unfinished cyborg if seen. The heating technology is held on by the use of Spandex. While spandex on its own isn’t in any way acceptable or hot, blended with heated longjohn technology, this product wins the entire heated world with the promise that you may never ever again have a cold posterior.

All you do at the end of the day is throw them in the washing machine, and when they dry, stick them on the charger. Ahhh you can never ever go wrong with a heated butt. While the price of €269.00 is almost verging on highway robbery, I would argue that life is too short to freeze yourself in your own personal unheated igloo that is any outdoor area in February. May the warmth be with you.

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Comments? Editor@oldmooresalmanac.com

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